Today’s post gets personal! Like many couples, we have been through tough times aligning our life goals. Here, we talk about the process we went through and how we came out the other side. We hope this post offers other couples (or singles!) the encouragement they need to decide what is best for them.
For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to travel and live in another country. My parents did the same thing when they were in their twenties, and for me it was just a case of when, not if. I was happy living in New Zealand but I just wanted to experience life in a different country, and to travel at the same time. But this is where Shaun and I differed. Shaun originally didn’t want to live overseas. He was keen to take time off work each year and travel for a few weeks, but he had no desire for a longer working holiday like I had.
Here was our dilemma. How could we both be happy if we wanted such different things? This is a common problem for couples who have different perspectives and life goals – we know we’re not the only ones who have faced this.
In New Zealand, there is a strong, often unsaid, emphasis on earning as much money as you can and buying a house. We know many people our age who have bought property, and they are happy with their decision to do so. Because Shaun is a carpenter, he was really keen because we could buy a house that needed a lot of work that he could do up in his time off. After a few years, we could sell the renovated house and make a tidy profit, and then do the same thing again. This is what plenty of New Zealanders do, and it’s a process that works for many people.
So because I knew that Shaun didn’t want to live overseas, that was what we decided to do. I wanted him to be happy and as long as we could go overseas for a holiday each year, I would be happy too. We were earning good money, had a good lifestyle, and we had actually started looking for houses, going to auctions and things like that. We thought we would get our feet on the ladder and work our way up.
To be honest, I did like the idea of this – who wouldn’t want to own their own place and put their stamp on a house? I’m a fan of interior design and redecorating and with Shaun’s carpentry skills we would’ve been able to do some awesome things with a house of our own.
But as we were getting more into the process of looking and buying, I started to have second thoughts. I still really wanted to live overseas, and there was no way this could happen once we had bought a house and were paying off a hefty mortgage (ok, I know lots of people manage to travel a lot and own a house, but with our income at the time we definitely could not have afforded to).
It was around then that the Auckland property market started to go crazy (it’s still crazy, three years later) and the houses we could afford were getting crappier and crappier, in worse areas. We were starting to get a bit disheartened with the whole thing, when we talked to a family friend who had lived in the US and we got chatting about living overseas. I saw Shaun’s eyes light up as the friend talked about spending time in New York City, summers in the Hamptons, and travelling all over North America.
This came at a time when we were both ready for a bit of change with our jobs and lifestyles, and with the Auckland housing market getting more and more unaffordable, the cogs started turning that perhaps moving overseas was the best thing for us to do at that point in our lives.
Of course I got super excited that Shaun was doing a 180° turn on his previous stance on not wanting to live overseas, so I pushed the topic and convinced him to travel in the US and then do a working holiday in Canada (because it’s almost impossible for New Zealanders to get a work visa for the US).
I had a great time. We were overseas, we were travelling together, life was great. I was so glad we had decided to head off and explore the world rather than being ‘stuck’ in New Zealand with a huge mortgage. On the other hand, for those first few months, Shaun was a bit regretful that he had given up the good salary that he had earned in New Zealand. We were spending our hard-earned savings left, right, and centre, and we weren’t earning anything.
Things changed for Shaun a couple of months in. I’ll hand over to him to give you some background and explain his change of perspective…
For me, travel was something I loved whether we were on an air mattress in the back of a campervan staring out over the ocean or a fancy hotel on the coast of Thailand – it didn’t always mean spending a lot of money to feel the freedom travel brought. Back then travel to me was like a breath of fresh air – it took my mind off work, it gave me something to look forward to and something worth saving towards and memories that would last a lifetime.
As Petra mentioned I never really saw myself living overseas, we were making a good living in New Zealand and we had the lifestyle and overseas holidays to go with it. But sometimes all it takes is one little seed to be sown. I look back now and it’s funny to think how an idea can grow into something so life-changing to the point of giving up our jobs with no definite plan in mind and heading halfway around the world. I’ll be the first to admit I was scared of what the future held but I was ready for some change, and I took a leap of faith hoping things would figure themselves out in the long run. And so our adventure began.
I don’t think it would have been until a few months into our adventure that the reality of the situation hit home for me. We had been on the road for a while now and had spent a lot of money – as old habits die hard. But this was not like any other holiday – I couldn’t just make that money back up again as easy as I once had.
I think resentment is a harsh word but this was definitely what I was feeling. For once it felt like I wasn’t in control of my future, and all I had worked for over the years was gone – a good job and the chance at owning our own house. What all had once seemed so close now seemed so far away and I couldn’t help but wonder if what we were doing was what I really wanted.
As I sit here now writing this a year on I think of the person I have become and not the person I thought I should have been. Travel may have been something I took for granted in the past as a luxury, but it has really put my life into perspective and allowed me to find what makes me happy.
I once thought happiness meant a certain sized pay check, a house, and the toys to fill it. Don’t get me wrong – all those are great if they bring you happiness, but they really aren’t worth a thing if you’re working too hard to pay for them or never get to use them. There was a time I used to be scared so much of the doors I shut behind me so I didn’t see how many there were to be opened in front of me. What I once thought I blamed Petra for (moving overseas) I now can’t thank her enough – sometimes we all need a little supportive shove! And I am very lucky to have found a girl who will shove me if need be.
Before we left New Zealand, I got so swept up in a future I thought I wanted because everyone around me was doing it. I forgot to find what makes me happy and what I really wanted. We now live a very simple life – we do what we want, stress less, and live for the moment. What will be will be, remember you only get one life. Excuses, while easy to come up with, are only ever going to hold you back.
The answer: travel can help you with deciding what you really want out of life!
If there was something you could change about your life right at this very moment, what would it be?
If you didn’t have to think about the consequences or make any hard decisions, would you still do it?
We can all say “I should have done” but isn’t life far too short for the should haves what about all the “why the hell nots”.
Do you sometimes feel like your life became more like what society expected of you and less of what you actually wanted? It’s never too late to make changes in your life, be that person, or do the things you wish you had have done. If there is one life lesson travelling has taught us is “do what makes you happy and the rest will follow.”
We figured out what we both wanted, we have aligned our life goals, and we are both much happier as a result. We have travel to thank for helping to guide our decisions, and we hope that travel will help you too.
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